fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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