one might say we're banned from that church
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
