No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
