Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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