apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize