Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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