I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
