i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
