I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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