So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
