You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
