My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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