I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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