There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
