I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
