If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you inspire me to be a worse person
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize