We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
