I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
