A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
