If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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