I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
