just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
