dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
