Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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