I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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