She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
