my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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