I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
