Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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