The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
