There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
