Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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