I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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