she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
