I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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