I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
