don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
