do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
false alarm, still single
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