4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
