Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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