They should really pass out barf bags in church
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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