mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
