so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
