Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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