you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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