I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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