he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
