I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
