I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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