Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
