I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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