So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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