Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
