Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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