i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
