I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He felt like a one man threesome
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
