I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
