Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
