Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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