You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
