oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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