Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
