i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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