I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
