Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
