wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
