We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize