We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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