Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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