Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
