Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
